Restoration

Well there is a lot to say so let's get started. I'm not the best at journaling so I've decided this is where most of my thoughts will go rather than to babbling them out aimlessly & things. So today has been remarkable. First day of college. Talked with a member of staff who really just gave it to me like I needed to hear. Having doubts, dealing with humility, shaking off all idenities other than the one God has given me, etc. I'm focused on ME, & there is nothing wrong with that..no matter what I FEEL I know there is nothing wrong with that. Feelings  can be misleading & nothing should drive you but things of God & the will of God. God has put the desire in my heart for me to be here just for that reason, for me to focus on me to bring glory to Him. It's that simple. I don't know why I make things so complex sometimes. After that I had a meeting with my RA, it was freeing, just as the talk with the staff member was. We then had an apartment meeting. That went quite well. I played in the rain & stopped my to see my favorite family the Henderson's. I knew that there was prayer tonight. I actually thought about it in the shower before going & it kept going through my head to go with a spirit of expectancy. So I did. I got there & immediately God starting working, but all I could see was Him working with & through other people..so me, & my fleshly self got discouraged. I tried to press in, I tried to clear my head & not be selfish, but then I began beating myself up like I usually do. My song came on. it changed my whole additude almost. I stopped pacing. I stood in an isle & I opened my hands, held high, closed my eyes & had my face towards heaven & just sang along whole heartedly "Do you know the way you move me?" I asked God.."God how can I move you, will you move me? What can I do for you?" & I felt hands on me..A 2nd year sister had came to pray with me. As I kept singing loudly she moved in front of me. I have no idea what gift of the spirit she has but oh my it was a blessing. I didn't say anything other than the words of the song, & she spoke my very thoughts. "You feel like you can't be yourself, you feel like you won't change, you feel doubt & you fear everything. prayer is key." I hate to say it but it took that to make me feel like God still listened, like He still loves me, like i'm worthy. I broke down. She walked away & i looked up & saw all the brothers surrounded by a brother who came here with us from home. They prayed, hard..for him. It broke me. It set off a whole new set of doubts & beating myself up session. I went up to 3 2nd year sisters & ask them to pray for me. As the start to pray one asks "tell us whats going on." Another interupts "No, im just gonna go with my spirit" They all three begin to blurt out blessings to my soul " i see greatness & humility written upon you, I see you at the cross, i don't know what that means but seek the cross, dependence, don't be co dependent, He wants to be intimate with you, let that happen, press in. Your going to feel Him with you." They prayed for gladness, for thankfulness, for joy. They blessed me. God blessed me. I got my joy back tonight. i felt like a little girl. I ran, I jumped, I twirled. i'm a little girl. i'm His & I'm precious. Previously to regaining my joy I picked up a book off a pew & opened it up & read the first thing I saw. It simply said, " Are you ready to pour out all you have & sacrifice yourself?" i'm ready. Death in me is life in you has much more of a meaning to me now. God is so good. So So So SOO SOOOO good. I'm so thankful & i'm so blessed.